Why, indeed. This person was loving and fun. Hardworking and collaborative. Smart and generous. This is a person who would give you the shirt off his back, even if his own closet was empty and he'd then have to go without. This generosity never came with the expectation of payback. He was compassionate and giving to a fault. To top it all off, he had dashing good looks...sparkling eyes and a brilliant smile. On the outside, he appeared very self-assured and easy going. However, during the time I got to know him a little better, there was evidence that this was possibly a front. As our friendship grew closer, I saw moments in which he seemed more like a hurt (or was it fearful) little boy than a confident, grown man. It pained me that he couldn't see in himself what everyone around him did. He was always focused on others, not seeking attention for himself. So now, as many of us grieve his loss, I'm thinking a lot about why he might not, considering everything he had going for himself.
Note the quote on my intro page,
"How Children See Things Depends on What We Teach Them."I am a huge fan of Daniel Goleman's work on Emotional and Social Intelligence. In a nutshell, Emotional Intelligence involves knowing one's own emotions and managing them. Social Intelligence extends EI a by relating to social awareness and facility--what we sense about others and what we do with that awareness. Up until my friend's passing, I was under the impression from Goleman's work that Emotional Intelligence precedes Social Intelligence--that you couldn't be socially intelligent unless you were emotionally intelligent first. Now, I'm not so sure that there's a chronological relationship between the two constructs. You see, my friend had a heightened level of social intelligence yet, looking back now, I suspect his emotional intelligence was still a work in progress--not as highly developed as his social intelligence (possibly a condition of putting others before one's self). In my experience, he was a person who felt things very deeply. However, although he would be the first person to offer an empathetic, listening ear or strong shoulder to cry on, I don't think he felt comfortable asking for the same from others in his own times of need...was he uncomfortable asking because he didn't feel worthy of receiving the levels of support he so freely offered others? Was it because accepting support from others somehow appears to be needy or incompetent? I know I've felt that way many times--I'd rather suffer in silence than ask for help. I do not presume to know why he may have felt that way (or if he even did)...he had many friends and a family who loved him. People were simply drawn to him.
Back to the quote on my intro page. So...what are we going to help children see? I vote for worthiness! I'm not talking about promoting self esteem by giving every kid on the team a trophy just because he or she showed up. To my mind, that doesn't prepare them for the hard knocks they will inevitably face in life and the subsequent failures could potentially undermine a sense of worthiness that was built on a superficial foundation. What I am advocating is helping children (and the people in our lives) recognize that each has unique sources of "capital" upon which to draw--both from within and around them. That, spite of difficulty, they have the ability to persevere and bounce back from upsets in life. For me, a lesson here is that we all need a support system and we all need to give ourselves permission to reach out and tap that resource as needed. In tough times, it's okay to be vulnerable and confused and that we may need to look around us to find those who may be of support when our own capacity is temporarily diminished. We must absolutely ensure that children grow up with a sense of self worth--knowing their feelings are valid, they have strength within to overcome, and it's okay to ask for help--if they are to be truly successful in life.
Success...there's a loaded term. Who gets to decide how success is measured anyway? If the yardstick used marked increments of compassion, sincerity, thoughtfulness, and generosity...my friend achieved the highest levels of success. If wealth were measured in terms of social intelligence, he would have been far better off than Donald Trump. Unfortunately, in our all too materialistic society, success is often misconstrued with bank accounts. Perhaps our current economic challenges will prompt our society at large to regroup and reconsider our priorities. That wealth is not measured in terms of dollars, but in terms of our humanity.
So, I finally have something to say on this blog. I intend to focus my energy on social and emotional intelligence, cultural and social capital, valuing multiple funds of knowledge, and the emotion/brain/learning connection. And to my dear friend, you were a human success of great proportion--you touched so many lives and you will be deeply missed. What I wouldn't do for one last ride in that noisy, hopped up GTO.Rest in peace, S.E.B.
